An Open Letter to Jonathan Mandeldove

Dear Mr. Mandeldove,

First of all, I’m sure that, as a student athlete, you must have a busy schedule, so I’ll try to keep this message concise. I don’t believe we have ever met, and under normal circumstances I would have little reason to contact you; I’m not a UConn student, nor am I an avid follower of college basketball. (Boston University’s basketball team is, ah… We’re really more of a hockey school.)

But, as you are well aware, these are no normal circumstances. Apparently you’ve seen the recent PLS post in which my co-blogger, Samuel, criticizes you with a ferocity usually reserved for Bernie Madoff or John Wayne Gacy. Now, it’s possible that Sam’s comments were a bit un-called for, but in your rush to respond you seem to be disregarding the welfare of an innocent bystander: Me.

Me.

As Sam’s updated post shows, you recently issued some angry “tweets,” including one which claims that “pegleg spinners are a bunch of racist bloggers.” We also received a comment on the “Writers” section of PLS from one “jason morris,” who accuses Sam and I of appearing gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and threatens to do us bodily harm in public–all while invoking your name.

Again, I can understand why you’re mad at Sam. What I don’t understand is what you and Mr. Morris have against me, Matt Hoffman. My only intent on this blog is to provide insightful, sardonic commentary on pop culture; how does that make me a racist homosexual? Did you guys disagree with my review of the new Wilco album? Were you frustrated by the pointlessness of my TV Guide Awards memory? Are you big fans of The Birds II?

And what about our other contributor, Ralph West? What’s not to like about his satirical dispatches on New York politics?

Perhaps you just think that all us bloggers are the same. I find that offensive. I am a unique individual and demand not to be judged by Sam’s off-color remarks, but by the content of the posts I’ve written.

Although now that I think of it, Sam hasn’t written anything racist or homosexual either. I can still see why you might want to bitch-slap him on the street; I occasionally get that urge myself. But have you ever heard the expression, “Don’t argue with fools”? Going mano-a-mano with a blogger is like foot-racing a tree sloth–it’s just going to make you look bad. I mean, seriously, Sam’s like four feet tall.

Sam

In closing, I can’t promise you that Sam won’t keep saying stupid shit. Fish gotta swim, you know? Besides, PLS’s total readership can fit into the average compact sedan, so your reputation is probably safe. What I can promise you is that I am not a racist blogger, and that I would never contribute to a racist blog. Also I’m not gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

So what do you say, ‘Dove? Can we squash the beef?

Perhaps Mr. Morris would like to leave a comment?

Sincerely,
Matt Hoffman
Heterosexual Non-Racist Since 1988