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I Like My Coffee Like My Women, With Tits

June 5, 2009

I always thought that the worst day of my life would be the day when David Carradine died. Well, that day has come and gone. With the Kung Fu master’s death now approaching the end of the news cycle and the bizarre reality of a man so awesome coming to his end in a Thai hotel closet beginning to fade into memory, I can say in all honesty that this isn’t the worst day of my life after all. Nope, yesterday was. Yesterday, the greatest coffee shop was burned down, utterly destroyed by an arsonist. It wasn’t the coffee that made this place special my friends. No, it was the boobies.

Only less than four months ago a small businessman had a dream. A beautiful dream. A dream of coffee and all the titties that any man could want. I’m serious, the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened everyday between 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. to anyone over the age of 18 in the small town of Vassalboro, Maine. And you thought that all Maine had was lobsters and suspiciously affectionate siblings?

I have pictures of everything.

I have pictures of everything.

To think that we live in such a country when a man can bring such a beautiful and natural combination of the world’s best things and charge a resonable price that is fair (I’m assuming), this truly is a great nation.

The coffee shop was opened in an area that had a great need for jobs. More than 150 people applied for 10 available positions (yes, that includes some male workers). Clearly, the community is willing to accept such a reality. Or so one would think only to find that appearently, Vassalboro is too good for this coffeeshop. In fact, there were meetings where people actually got angry about this, yes, angry about titties.

Oh, well lah-dee-dah, Vassalboro. Too good for this coffee shop, eh? Yea, you are much better off jobless and without female breasts. I’m sure Detroit wouldn’t mind a coffee shop full of ta-tas. In fact, I know they wouldn’t mind. Have you seen those pathetic ‘Hey, we aren’t filing Chapter 11, we are filing Chapter 1’ commercials? Ugh, fuck you Detroit. I digress…

So one of these angry residents decided to tourch this business, well at least it wasn’t like he burnt down the home of the owner and his family. What’s that? Oh, he did.

Just listen to the reactions of Krista Macentyre, a woman who worked there.

“We weren’t hurting anyone. I don’t know why someone would do something like this. This place was made to put smiles on people’s faces. This was a good innocent business.”

Congratulations Vassalboro, you just gave me the worst day of my life. I’m going to Starbucks.

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