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The Day Infomercials Went Kaboom!

June 29, 2009

“When I’m up against a wall, that’s when Billy Mays performs best.”
-Billy Mays

The title of this post is immensely funny and creative. If you don’t think so, you need to do more research about the man that changed my life. Strangers and friends can say all they want about me, but Billy Mays next to my third grade art teacher, was my greatest inspiration. The reason I am who I am today is because of that beautiful, bearded man. I love Billy Mays and I know that even when I am 90 years old and sitting in a rocking chair, sipping lemonade on the porch of a retirement home, I will still be screaming obscenities at children. And it is because of him.

I cannot fully express the sorrow in my heart at his passing. Anyone who has gotten to know me well understands that every product he sold, every metaphor he yelled, and each gallon of OxiClean he mixed became a part of my soul. Billy Mays was a man who just didn’t give a shit what you thought. And for that, he will be missed.

His playful beating of women and his sexual fetishes were not understood by the world. The media lambasted his genuine love for terrorizing small animals. He will probably always be misunderstood by those who never bothered to just listen to him, without preconceived notions. His eccentricities were comforting to me. They confirmed that it was normal for me to touch myself in public.

His generosity for the common man has inspired me to engage people in my own community. I found his willingness to give to be amazing. At the time of his passing he had given over twenty-five dollars to various charities, mostly to the Girl Scouts of America. He loved cookies. I also think I saw him shopping at the Salvation Army once.

His ability to point at a new product and scream at me through the television was an artform. I have watched literally thousands of hours of informercials trying to replicate the pitch and style of his voice. Falling short, I have only been able to replicate his beard. Billy Mays is unreproducible. No man before or after him has ever had a beard or sold products during an informercial and this does not conflict with anything I have said earlier. And that is the way I will remember him.

Everybody loves fan art. Generally, fan art contains no sodomy. Generally.

Everybody loves fan art. Generally, fan art contains no sodomy. Generally.

I have always agreed with the Billy Mays quote, “You know what, rip me off once, shame on me. But twice? I’m coming after you and taking back what’s mine.” He was such a kind man, a sweet man. The lack of revenge in his voice always made my heart melt and my eyes tear up. On this day, June 28, 2009, we all lost an an American hero. And I lost a father.

As the famous saying goes, “bad things happen in fours” and yet sometimes some things are much worse than others. Billy Mays’ death was the worst of all four in the last week. I forget who else died, but I am sure they were not as important. Some news outlets are reporting that he may have died from head trauma suffered during a hard landing on a plane. That seems about right. And now to end this post with the way Billy Mays wanted to be remembered.

His final words known to the public, “The things from the ceiling started dropping, but I got a hard head.” God Bless you, Mr. Mays.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Matt permalink*
    June 29, 2009 9:27 am

    This is a new low

  2. Samuel permalink*
    June 29, 2009 10:24 am

    How about that fan art?

  3. June 29, 2009 8:55 pm

    Nice video choice.

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