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Forget Shark Week, It’s Sperm Week!

July 13, 2009

There is a lawsuit coming out of Egypt this week that has every single member of the Polish American Foundation shaking their heads in frustration. It’s not easy to undermine stereotypes with Polish citizens like Magdalena Kwiatkowska suing over a physically impossible pregnancy. Hang on, let me take this from the top so you can understand why this is so ridiculous. Kwiatkowska filed a formal lawsuit against an Egyptian hotel for allowing her 13-year-old daughter to become pregnant from swimming in a pool with sperm in it while they were vacationing there. Yes, that’s right, a Polish woman declared that her daughter got pregnant from a pool since she never saw her daughter with anybody during their stay at the hotel. There was no evidence of floating sperm in the pool or that she was still a virgin when this occurred. This is precisely the reason why my family claims we are Russian instead of Polish because the “border kept changing.”

Are we to believe that sperm cruised the pool, waiting to prey on an unsuspecting girl like a shark that hasn’t seen an otter for weeks? Are sperm the new Box Jellyfish but instead of death there is birth? I hope this lawsuit is thrown out before I finish this post. For the good of the Polish people who are much smarter than this bullshit, I really hope it is. I admit it would be interesting to see a jury subjected to an uncomfortable re-enactment of the famous Seinfeld scene involving Keith Hernandez.

Now, since I am but a lowly blogger with very few talents and no medical background, I had to Google this whole sperm pool thing. As it turns out there is very little information out there about it. After about 5 minutes of research I was able to conclude however, that swallowing sperm cannot lead to pregnancy. Good to know. Oh, and if you weren’t aware of that you should probably dig a big hole in the ground somewhere, put the shovel down, sit in the hole, and then stay there for a very long time.

And to think I was worrying for nothing.

Not surprisingly, humans have been sexually retarded for a very long time. Take this case involving the Civil War for example that actually appeared in the American Medical Weekly on November 7, 1874.

She appeared in excellent health and spirits, but her abdomen had become enormously enlarged, so much so as to resemble pregnancy at the seventh or eighth month. Indeed, had I not known the family and the facts of the abdominal wound, I should have so pronounced the case. Under the above circumstances, I failed to give a positive diagnosis, determining to keep the case under surveillance. This I did.

Just two hundred and seventy-eight days from the date of the receipt of the wound by the minnie ball, I delivered this same young lady of a fine boy, weighing eight pounds. I was not very much surprised; but imagine the surprise and mortification of the young lady herself, her entire family. This can be better imagined than described. Although I found the hymen intact in my examination before delivery, I gave no credence to the earnest and oft-repeated assertions of the young lady of her innocence and virgin purity.

About three weeks from the date of this remarkable birth, I was called to see the child, the grandmother insisting there was “something wrong about the genitals.” Examination revealed an enlarged, swollen, sensitive scrotum, containing on the right side a hard, roughened substance, evidently foreign. I decided upon operating for its removal at once, and in so doing, extracted from the scrotum a minnie ball, mashed and battered as if it had met in its flight some hard, unyielding substance. To attempt to picture my astonishment would be impossible! What may already seem very plain to my readers, as they glance over this paper, was, to me, at the time, mysterious. It was only after several days and nights of sleepless reflection that a solution flashed before me, and ever since has appeared as clear as the noon-day sun!

“What is it?” The ball I took from the scrotum of the babe was the identical one which, on the 12th of May, shattered the tibia of my young friend, and in its mutilated condition, plunged through his testicle, carrying with it particles of semen and spermatozoa into the abdomen of the young lady, then through her left ovary, and into the uterus, in this manner impregnating her! There can be no other solution of the phenomenon! These convictions I expressed to the family, and, at their solicitations, visited my young soldier friend, laying the case before him in its proper light. At first, most naturally, he appeared skeptical, but concluded to visit the young mother. Whether convinced or not, he soon married her, ere the little boy had attained his fourth month.

At the end of the article was a footnote that said the whole thing was completely made up. Apparently, nobody read the damn thing! Am I saying that if someone had read the footnote then that woman would not be suing a hotel for magical sperm? Yes.

I am not going to point out any particular religion that may be responsible for instilling a belief that people can get pregnant without having sex. But, suffice it to say, it’s one of the big ones. I really hope that in the next few days the daughter admits that she enjoys a good pool boy every now and again, or they “inspect her” (I would prefer a lie detector test). Then again, someone could just point her to this post.

As for the guy responsible for this whole mess. I think I found some suspects.

And afterwards I will help you with your math homework...

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Matt permalink*
    July 13, 2009 12:18 am

    Good post, but it didn’t really say much about lint.

  2. July 13, 2009 4:50 am

    Geez Samuel, think you could find some better prospects? I wonder if Maury will get involved…”you are not the father!”. Imagine the poor kids….Honey, I don’t know who your father was, but he was a damn good swimmer!

  3. Daniel permalink
    July 13, 2009 8:46 pm

    It’s possible… How Jesus was born!

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