Search Engine Roundup–#1 Is a New Fetish!
Maybe it’s wrong for me to keep going back to the same source for post fodder. Maybe I should have found some new album or obscure horror movie to use as the basis of today’s article. But hey, I was taught never to look a gift horse in the mouth, and when you’re looking for insane shit to make fun of, the internet is Black Beauty wrapped up in a shiny red ribbon. That’s right–it’s time for more search engine terms!
As we’ve mentioned before, WordPress allows us to monitor what search engine terms have led readers to our blog. Usually those terms are pretty closely related to the content we provide; for example, here are the search engine terms for a fairly normal day:
Nope, nothing wrong here. All of these things relate directly to articles which have been posted on PLS. However, we often see search engine terms that not only don’t relate to anything we’ve written but also make us question both the sanity of the searchers and the existence of God. “Sperm sharking,” for example. [Involuntary shudder]
So, without further ado, here are the top five weirdest search engine terms of the past week:
#5: “big peg leg circus”
I have no idea what that would be, but it sounds amazing. I’m picturing a circus run entirely by pirates, with pirate ship rides and colorful birds and concession stands that sell rum and other stands that sell the tickets that are used to buy the rum because for some reason you can’t buy the rum with regular money. Sorry to disappoint you, random search engine user, but if we could make this wonderland real we would already be living there.
I’m not sure where to begin with this one. Couldn’t you just have searched for “tits” and assumed that the “women” part was implied? Couldn’t you have used the spacebar? And I would really like to know why this is what comes up when I Google Image Search this term:
Anyway, searching the entire internet for boobs and ending up at this blog is, I believe, the textbook definition of an epic fail.
#3: “sniffing gay balls”
Geez, title one post “The Traditional Sniffing of the Balls” and all the weirdos come out of the woodwork. What makes the balls gay? Do gay balls smell different from regular balls? Only one way to find out, I suppose…
#2: “reasons to have sex”
#1: All the cool kids are doing it. #2: It’s a good way to rebel against your parents. #3: It burns calories. Seriously, though, if you need to be convinced then you should probably stick to celibacy for now.
And, finally, our big winner for the week:
#1: “japanese sleep sharking videos”
You know, this doesn’t seem that bad. If sperm sharking means jerking off on people in public, then sleep sharking must mean jerking off on people while they’re asleep, right? Hey, I’m from Connecticut; that kind of thing happens all the time around here. Sorry, Japan, but you can’t shock me anymore.
Wait a minute…
You win again, Japan. I never should have doubted you.