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A (Satirical) Guide to College for Freshman

August 14, 2009

I still remember the excitement of opening my college acceptance letter. It lasted at least a good 15 minutes. Man, what a rush. I spent the next few months trying to figure out how this whole college thing worked. As it turns out, nobody can tell you what college is like; you have to experience it for yourself. Alright, forget that. I am going to tell you what college is like. I am talking to the soon-to-be-freshman, but for all of you who did a shit job of it, you are free to learn something from this post as well. There is a lot of information out on the interwebs that will tell you about healthy eating and developing healthy friendships. And to answer your question, yes, it is bullshit. So, welcome to class and take a seat. You are about to hear the 8 things you need to know before you start your freshman year.

1. Embrace the dining hall menu and take the Freshman 15 as a personal challenge.

There are some quacks out there who will tell you that weight gain is unhealthy. Oh yea? If that’s true than explain why fat people are always happy. Always. When you finish eating at a college dining hall people will yell terrible things at you if you don’t go back for seconds. I’m serious. Sure, there are some healthy food options at some dining halls, but nobody actually eats that shit. I mean one kid did, but he lost his eyesight the next day. And who came up with 15 pounds as the cutoff number for weight gain during your freshman year? Fuck that, I bet you can put up 30. You’d better if you want to survive your freshman year.

2. Keep your student ID card instantly accessible at all times by wearing it around your neck with the most annoying protective case you can find.

As an upperclassman, I have two goals. Take classes that start after 10am and bang hot freshmen with low self-esteem. When you wear that hideous lanyard across your neck my life is so much easier. It’s like I asked, “Who here will suck my cock if I buy you a six-pack?” and all of your hands went up. That includes you, gentlemen. Plus, you will need to swipe your ID every ten seconds. I’m not kidding about this. If you have to keep reaching back into your wallet or purse, you might tear a back muscle.

3. Don’t feel pressured to wear anything but hoodies and t-shirts from your high school.

I loved high school. I want to experience it all over again. No, freshman year drama is not close enough. Well, you can find hope in that you never have to stop wearing your high school clothing in college. In fact, the coolest kids in college are the ones who are lucky enough to wear their old high school track suits…every day. How else are you going to find out how many other students also had a trojan for a mascot or went to a rival school. Some people will tell you, “Hey Sam, put that knife down. He’s a student in the same school as you now, why are you frothing at the mouth?” Fuck them, they have no school spirit and they are also probably infertile. Bonus points if you own a hat with your high school on it.

4. Food tastes better in college when you taste it the second time.

The only threat to you beating that Freshman 15 challenge is the unintended weight loss you will go through from vomiting every night of the week. Yes, that includes Tuesday, you pussy. Luckily, alcohol is loaded with calories and that shit goes straight to your liver, way before you puke after the third Keystone Light. Puking is the only thing that separates a college student from a complete loser. It also happens to be the only thing that separates somebody who is sick from somebody who is healthy. However, if you are wearing your high school t-shirt at the time everyone will know that you are in college and it’s not just the flu. Fuck influenza.

5. Everyone loves the movie Scarface.

Oh, you don’t own a poster of Al Pacino from the movie Scarface? Well, you’re fucked.

6. You need to indicate how many cans of beer you have consumed since you got to college to each person that comes to your room.

When people first enter your dorm room they want to know only one thing: What bottles of alcohol have you consumed since the year began? I usually don’t even say ‘hello’ until I have made a fair assessment. My friends know this. They expect it with the same joy that a mother expects a new baby. Don’t have a baby while in college. Wear a condom. You too, girls.

7. Talk to your significant other every day and count on the relationship lasting way past October.

If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend (or both), keep him or her in your life. Seriously, I mean let that person know everything you did that day after you have eaten at the dining hall (with the challenge in mind). Your calls should last at least 90 minutes but should go longer if something he or she said upset you. Even if nothing did, get upset. Nothing makes a long-distance college relationship more healthy than fighting over the phone. Another thing nobody tells you is that couples actually become more loyal to each other during college. Nobody cheats. It sounds like it would be the other way around but it isn’t. Make sure you avoid meeting other potential life partners as much as possible so that if the relationship ends in time for the sexiest day of the college year, you will attached. If possible have as many of those calls in the stairwell of the dorm. It has the great combination of both giving you the illusion of privacy while broadcasting your voice down two halls at once. It makes those breakups over the phone in the dorm lobby all the more interesting.

8. Each line you highlight in your books instantly enters your brain forever, so do the smart thing and just highlight the whole book over the course of a couple nights.

Used books are bought by people with STDs. That’s why nobody buys those cheap things. They are covered in the evidence of freshmen absorbing every word through their highlighters and also STDs. Yes, you can catch an STD in college by purchasing a used book. Buy a new book every time; each new edition of the book always contains completely different information. Even more important, every book you buy will be used during the semester.

If you see me, don’t wave. visit http://www.condron.us or go to condron.us

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 19, 2009 1:01 pm

    hahah well done

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