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An Open Challenge to Lady Gaga

August 19, 2009

I’m no stranger to making challenges and I can’t say this post wasn’t a long time coming. I became painfully aware, like many Americans, of the solar-lunar nature of pop culture in American music. Just as the sun, Paris Hilton, began to set over the landscape of our collective conscience, so appeared in the sky a moon of equal talent, Lady Gaga. At first, I thought she might choke on her own ugliness and there would be salvation. But alas, luck rarely strikes twice. I think the reason I hate Lady Gaga is very simple. She doesn’t deserve fame. How can I make this judgment? Because everyone knows there are two things that determine a right to being famous: Talent and luck. This woman, who has chosen to name herself upon the suggestion of an infant, has had neither. But wait? Talent is a subjective thing and how can you say she isn’t lucky? You are an idiot. Have you heard her songs (don’t worry, we’ll get to that later)? And as for luck, I’m not sure if being exposed as a hermaphrodite has ever improved a career. Then again, when you are this awful as a performer than I guess anything might help you. That is why I am declaring an open challenge to Lady Gaga. If you agree to do a spread for Playboy Magazine by accepting their offer, I will buy all of your CDs and offer a letter of apology.

Many people don’t know this but Lady Gaga is actually a regular reader of this blog. It turns out she found PLS after googling, “womenwithtits.” I don’t ask questions but I do judge. Unfortunately, I can’t even go into that because I am too focused on the biggest news since Michael Jackson stopped walking backwards during songs.

Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite.

Now, before you begin to mount your fucking high horse and tell me that there is nothing ugly or wrong about having both a penis and a vagina let me tell you that you misunderstand me. I love hermaphrodites. All of my friends are hermaphrodites. My parents are hermaphrodites. Hell, I even have hermaphrodite bed sheets. No, the real reason I hate this “performer” is because “she” has been the most annoying person on the planet about sex and now surely she has been bullshitting us all. What do I mean?

I mean she has a very “strict” policy about who she mounts without any underwear on. It must be big. Real big.

Now that I think about it, that rule makes sense. It would be real awkward if the guy she was with had a comparably-sized member. Still, what kind of whore says something like that in an interview? Yea, take your daughter to see that size queen in concert. Speaking of sex, Lady Gaga is dumb. She continually acts like her lyrics aren’t actually about sex. But her songs are painfully obvious. It’s like her songs are a game of hide and go seek but nobody playing is allowed to leave the couch.

Here is a quick preview of every song Lady Gaga has ever done.

“I wanna take a ride on your disco stick… Don’t think too much just bust that dick… Need a man who likes it rough, likes it rough, likes it rough… I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got… I’m not lying I’m just stunnin’ with my love-glue-gunning…” Bravo.

But all of this is neither here nor there. The point is that the internet is all abuzz over rumors that she has a little bit extra in the pants. Should it matter? Actually, yes. When you put yourself out there as an over-sexed woman who sings about sex, your genitals start becoming relevant. So, what’s the evidence?

Well, there’s this concert she recently performed at where a little bit extra is shared with the audience.

There are lots of pictures out there making the same point, but my favorite piece of evidence is this quote that everyone thinks is fake. Well, maybe, unless you remember the giant earthworm that leaked out of her dress in the YouTube clip above.

“Its not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female. Its just a little bit of a penis and really doesnt interfere much with my life. the reason I haven’t talked about it is that its not a big deal to me. like come on. its not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. i have both a poon and a peener. big fucking deal.
– L8d Gaga <“

So, I think the jury may not be out on this one but they are certainly on their way back from deliberation. So, here’s the deal: I think posing for PETA is great. If she wants to do that with strategically placed animals, that’s all her decision. But her refusal to pose for PlayBoy Magazine when she has already posed naked in some form several times is clearly motivated by her unwillingness to either have the rumor completely confirmed or denied. So please, Lady Gaga, spread your legs. Your CD sales depend on it.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 21, 2009 2:40 pm

    Hahaha that was great, and so true. I appreciate the constant dismissals of her music.

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