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Shake Weight™…Because Girls Could Use the Practice

August 24, 2009

I am working tirelessly on Friday’s post about Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds. I was planning on having it for today but after 24 straight hours of packing as part of the annual migration to college I am rather famished. Since, I want to do the topic some justice, I will hold off on that post for now and instead write about something else close to my heart. I want to share with you all the most offensive piece of exercise equipment ever manufactured exclusively for women. I introduce to you, the Shake Weight™. I am still not sure if this was created by a frustrated man or a completely naive woman, or even some combination of the two. Either way, this modified dumbell weight only improves one thing. Handjobs.

How could anyone make such an invention? A great question and one of many possible great questions. Honestly, after you see the promotional video that runs on the homepage there are honestly too many questions to even begin to answer either one hypothetically in this post. Do yourself a favor and watch this thing. It starts off real ordinary and then gets extremely sexual and never looks back.

Yea. I already placed my order hoping to God that they rip me off and no such thing exists rather than it arrive in the mail and the world come to a crashing halt. Oh, and did you see the obvious repulsion in the face of the women testing the product on the street. You know at least one of the women stopped right in the middle of her “testimony” (and with a throbbing fist weight in hand) stared the director down with a look that could only mean, “Can you blur my face in the editing room?”

The director said “no.”

I like a girl with creativity.

I like a girl with creativity.

And I need to say this, there are perfectly capable men with their own Shake Weights™ ready and eager to teach. I fucking love to teach. Now, I may not have been the first person to notice this terrible idea, but I do intend to cause the biggest fuss. Don’t get me wrong. A below average handjob is better than a night with my best friend, Mr. Right Palmington. But is there truly such an endemic of poor stroking skills that we need to begin charging woman to learn the craft?

Then again, at $19.95 the price is right.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Mike permalink
    August 26, 2009 9:19 am


  2. August 27, 2009 6:23 am

    This is your David sam. its a masterpiece. and I had a clever post idea half way through the video about offering training sessions for free but as i continued, i saw you thought of that too. It must be instinct because im sure every man has thought of that.

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