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Academy Awards Just Got Decided in August

August 28, 2009

Nobody is actually saying what needs to be said about Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. This film is the best movie of 2009. It’s not because of the intense scenes of violence scattered conservatively through the lengthy film. It’s not the extraordinary dialogue or the mastery of suspense that Tarantino consistently demonstrates. Instead, this film is the best of the year because of the bravery it took to make. In a world full of soulless action movies and deperate romantic comedies, Tarantino rises to the surface like a carbonated prophet in a beer of mediocrity. The general landscape of films is coarsely separated into two groups of films: those meant to entertain with dazzling displays of pyrotechnics and those designed to win an Academy Award. Tarantino is too smart and too talented to spend half of his budget in the way Michael Bay spends all of his. He is too cool and too independent to care what the Academy thinks of his films, although they have thought highly of them. In his latest film, Tarantino takes a story anyone in Hollywood could have made but does it in a way only he can. The final product is a film that challenges the way we think and doesn’t apologize for it. Spoilers are ahead so be aware of that before you continue.

Film critics lack the tools to judge this film effectively. It is painfully obvious, as the reviews are all over the map. Reviews have been downright dreadful and others have seen the film as the best one in Tarantino’s arsenal. Simply put, nobody knows what to do with this movie. Well, I do. If you want to understand this movie you have to be a Jew. Why? Well, because we like to ask questions. Lots of fucking questions. Also, it makes the discussion of his portrayal of Nazis far more interesting. Don’t listen to the reviews that say this film could have been just as good if it was set in a complete different time period with entirely different actors. Those people hate Jews. Moving on.

Some people hate this film because they were expecting an action movie after seeing the trailers on television. There’s a lot of that going around lately. If you were one of them, kill yourself. No, really. You are the reason that Beverly Hills Chihuahua saw the light of day.

There are three scenes that make this movie better than any other this year. Those are the opening scene on the farm, the scene with Michael Myers, and the German bar in the basement scene. I will not point to the theatre scene of this film simply because I don’t have the time to go into it nor am I near enough to a hospital to prevent the coming brain aneurysms doing so would cause.

Giant pipe.

Giant pipe.

In the opening scene the likely winner of an Oscar, Christoph Waltz, is hunting for a Jewish family and appears to be in control from the very beginning despite being fairly passive. At least by Nazi standards. The emotional climax of the scene is followed by the slaughtering of the family through the wooden floor panels. What makes the scene exceptional is the way Tarantino approaches this scene. Every filmmaker before him has played similar scenes the same way, slow classical music or opera and sometimes with grainy or obscured views of the horror. Tarantino positions the camera over Nazi shoulders for the best view and a swell of electrifying violins consumes the theatre. This scene could have become insensitive and painful as fast as you can say “Adolf Hitler” but instead I found it to reach a part of me that I can’t accurately describe. The scene does more for Jews in five seconds than many other films have done altogether. An internal dialogue among Jews over the meaning of the Holocaust has existed for some time. Many Jewish thinkers have begun to state, to little fanfare, that Jews must move beyond the Holocaust if the religion and the culture are to survive. This scene indicates to me the first attempt in cinemas to see the Holocaust for its horror alone and not for its purpose as the working definition of Jewish plight.

Michael Myers was recruited to play Dr. Evil. That is, if Dr. Evil were a British military officer with heavy makeup on. Why is this scene the best? For starters, it helps point out which film critics should be deported. Those who shit on this scene have no soul. Really, they are basically robots. Not only is the casting choice perfect for the style of the film, it’s also filmed brilliantly.

The basement scene is one of the most violent in the film. However, you wait at least 20 minutes before you see a drop of blood. The entire scene plays out like sexual intercourse. There is some light foreplay and then the scene begins to rock back and forth until reaching a tense climax that explodes with gunfire. The ending of the scene truly is orgasmic even if it results in the death of great characters.

I just creamed myself writing about this film. Thank you, Mr. Tarantino.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Mike permalink
    August 28, 2009 10:26 pm

    i like ur comparison of the basement scene to sex, but next time you give a blow job, try not to actually gag on the cock.

  2. r_sam permalink
    August 29, 2009 12:22 pm

    I feel like i just watched some of the worst critic-porn of my internet life.

    • August 29, 2009 10:05 pm

      so you liked it?

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