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Google + Hasbro = Fail

September 10, 2009

I wake up every day with a profound sense of disappointment. The degree of that disappointment is different every day. Most of the time it’s only minimal, like soft music you can only hear when the door of your room is closed and your eyes are shut. However, some days I am faced with a such a grotesque level of disappointment that it deserves a blog post. This is one of those days. Let me begin by saying, that Google Maps are best thing that I have ever used for directions (double true) since I am still too poor to buy a GPS system. So, when Hasbro announced it would build a terrifyingly life-like version of its game, Monopoly, I became overjoyed and full of unrealistic expectations. Expectations such as that the servers wouldn’t crash and that I would be able to play it. Sure, maybe Hasbro is foolish. They think a generation of people who can’t even stick with Twitter for a couple weeks will pour hours of their time into an online version of a game that is notorious for never being completed because it either gets too boring or too depressing to finish. Regardless, I was willing to give it a chance and so I was happy to wait a few days for its release. If I had known that Hasbro was planning to use a 128MB thumb drive as its server during an online event that could easily be the second largest of the year after Michael Jackson went on his 3 month death tour, I would have just slept in.

I probably shouldn’t be so hard on Google. I mean they made a great email service. I fucking love email. In all fairness, Monopoly City Streets, is a Hasbro creation and it’s being hosted (although, not very well) on Hasbro servers. The only involvement Google has is that it handed over its Google Maps API to Hasbro. However, I think that there must have been a conversation at some point between one person from Google and one person from Hasbro. I am still shocked that Google is attached to something that fucked the pooch on launch day. Google has always used a system of invites to bring stability to a new online application and reduce server overloads. Here’s how I think the conversation must have went.

Google: “Hey Hasbro, how many people are you sending invites to?”
Hasbro: “Invites?”
Google: “Yea, like 50,000 or maybe 75,000.”
Hasbro: “Nah man, anyone who goes to the site can sign up. No invites.”
Google: “I don’t know about that Hasbro. Haven’t you seen all the chatter on the interwebs.”
Hasbro: “I heard about it. I’m not on the internet much.”
Google: “So, are you going to stagger user registrations.”
Hasbro: “No, I think we got this under control.”
Google: “Are you sure? I just think since you have less experience with–”
Hasbro: “Hey, fuck off Google.”
Google: “Woah man, I’m just saying.”
Hasbro: “And I’m saying fuck off.”

I'm told it looks like this.

I'm told it looks like this.

So, that’s maybe not word for word but I have a feeling it’s a pretty accurate account. In my free time, instead of becoming the world’s largest land owner, I have been thinking about the streets I plan to buy whenever Hasbro decides to buy a second server or three. I decided that I would become the most humorous street owner in the world by buying up all of the cheaper streets that have funny names. I have a few in mind.

Unexpected Road, Buena, New Jersey
Divorce Court, Heather Highlands, Pennsylvania
Sluts Hole Lane, Norfolk, United Kingdom
Dingleberry Road, Iowa City, Iowa
Broomrape Lane, Lake Havasu City, Arizona

While writing this article I was able to get Monopoly City Streets to actually load partially after trying more than 30 times during the day. This is what my screen looked like after it finished loading. Pretty sweet game right?

The website also plays the intro music before going completely quiet and the nothing else happens. It’s a lot like a girl undressing in your room, getting on her knees, and then looking up at you before realizing she has to be somewhere and leaves before you can even get an erection. Sorry ladies, I don’t think there is an equivalent.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Seamus permalink
    September 10, 2009 9:18 am

    Pssst….The google maps API is open source. So, I doubt any conversations between Google and Hasbro actually occurred. So don’t hate on the big G. Hate on Hasbro for as you so eloquently stated “us[ing] a 128MB thumb drive as its server”. Lines like that keep me coming back to PegLeg Spinners.

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