This List Needs Fixin’
Everyone loves Top 10 Lists. Only about 3% of people like Top 10 Lists for the advice or suggestions that they provide. The other 97% enjoy Top 10 Lists because they think it’s an open invitation to shout their half-cocked opinions in small rectangular comment boxes buried at the bottom of popular websites. It’s no surprise that around the 48th comment, the discussion of a list has become a battle between 3 people over who is the biggest “fag.” Answer: It is always the guy who needlessly references cats eating cheeseburgers. The point is that nobody ever really addresses the damage to society that these lists cause. Or maybe they do, but those who do so aren’t sophisticated enough to own a blog (that they aren’t willing to play $9.99/year for). Enter “The Best Movies of the Decade” by the show At The Movies, the grandchild of what once was the best movie critic show on television. For anyone who cares, “At the Movies with Siskel & Ebert” begot “At the Movies with Ebert & Roeper” and then eventually transformed into the Man-Bear-Pig of movie critic shows, “At The Movies” featuring A.O. Scott and Michael Phillips. So these two cockdockers get together and figure they are each going to put together a list of the best films from this past year. Well, they didn’t go off the deep end like Ebert who put “Knowing” on his Top 10 of 2009 List, but I can’t say they put together a stellar list either.
So, let’s dive right into these two lists, shall we?
If you can’t read the small letters just click on the picture. Otherwise, I want to continue by bringing your attention to a few of these movies.
It’s important to keep in mind that this is a list of the best movies to end up in theaters since 2000. That’s important to note. So, note the fuck out of it. I will get to all the movies not put on this list in a moment. There are two kinds of terrible mistakes these guys make with this list. Either the movies that don’t belong on this list were never seen by anyone or they don’t deserve the ranking they were given.
The wonderful A.O. Scott decided that “4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days” deserves the No. 7 spot. Hardly. Here’s the deal Rotten Tomatoes (my savior, and it should be yours too) seems to worship this film. My problem is that the movie has a total gross of $875,000. I find more in the parking lot of my local library. Here’s the way I see this. If my cock is 23 inches long it can’t be the biggest cock in the world unless I tell somebody about it. Well, nobody from this film spoke up about the size of their cock. If you like it so much, suck it. But, don’t put it on a Top 10 List for the decade. Mr. Scott goes on to pick “Wall-E” as his best movie of the decade. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like this movie. I think it reaches a huge audience and does so with great animation, humor, and intelligence. I would have no problem saying this is the best animation movie made since Toy Story. Maybe the best ever. Can you honestly say that it’s better than every single movie that is on that same list? I don’t think so.
And now, onto Mr. Phillips. I have no evidence to support that he is an alcoholic other than this list he has created. It remains a compelling argument for his immediate removal from society. And I am being kind since he put “There Will Be Blood” as his No. 1 film. Michael Phillips “Mulholland Drive” as his No. 8 film. I could devote an entire blog, much less a blog post, to how awful this movie is. Instead, I will just say two things: this movie is the worst ever made this decade and that it was put together using fragments of a failed TV series. That last part is true. You can’t appreciate that film unless you have a serious personality disorder. I think he put “Y Tu Mama Tambien” in there because he thought everyone would forgive him if he did. Sorry, it takes more than a homo-erotic threesome for me to forget, Mr. Phillips. For some reason, “Climates” takes the No. 3 spot. Again, another movie that nobody saw and to make it worse, Rotten Tomatoes isn’t exactly wet with excitement about this flick. I have no complaint that he put “Ratatouille” as the No. 2 film of the decade. C’mon, it’s a french mouse who learns to find his way. That’s fucking awesome.
Now, don’t think that these are the only flaws I have noticed. I just choose to pick my battles and keep your attention.
I am not so dumb as to actually give you my own Top 10 List, you can assume that almost any movie with tits would be tied for No. 1, but I will say that I am first in line for Darren Aronofsky’s “Black Swan.” Just about every Jewish adolescent male has been drooling over this one.
So here are some movies thought not good enough by these two guys to be on the list:
3:10 to Yuma
The Dark Knight
Shaun of the Dead
The Hurt Locker
So, I guess my point is that if you are going to make a list at least mention how dumb you are so that I don’t have to spend my whole day letting everyone else know. These lists are subjective, we all know this, but there are just some movies that fail to meet a standard that all Americans, even those in New Jersey, are in agreement about. It is sad that cancer took and old age have taken the best men in the business away from us. Support your local movie theatre.